I want to share my experience with you on resentments and give you some guidance on dealing with resentments in relationships. My aim with this episode is that you will not want to resent anyone again.
This is for you if you are resenting your spouse right now or you have ever done. Its also for you if you have any other person living or dead that you have resented because of what they did to you in the past. This emotion I find is a bit more prevalent among women. It is common in marriage and I will be sharing my experience of this and Yeah, Sadly I have resented my husband before. In short, I am aware of 3 major resentments I have had in life and that includes my husband and 2 other individuals. I hope you won’t judge me for this, I am just telling it as it is. And of course, I will also share how God helped me.
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The funny thing about this problem is that no one plans to resent another. Most of the times you may not even pay attention to know how you get there, you just suddenly realize you are in the resentment zone.
After the last episode of intentional love, I was getting ready one day when I realized that I may have to share this with you more in details.
What is Resentments?
Resentments as the ill feeling you have for someone as a result of something they did or a thought you had about their action or inaction.
Here is the experience: The last episode of resentment I had, this person said something that I was uncomfortable with, and I did not address it. That statement caused me to be angry and at that point, i didn’t stop myself from thinking about it. I continued to see many more reasons why the statement was wrong and destructive.
As the thought continued to brew in my heart it became bigger and unknowing to me it became deadlier each day. This continued for days and of course, at this point, I could no longer accommodate the person, I became critical of their every action. This person’s errors and habits became more annoying to me. I found that I wanted to correct them each time.
As much as I tried all my efforts to love them, I found more reasons why its impossible. I had become so critical and annoyed by the fellow, I couldn’t even see good at all in what they were doing.
Suddenly one day, God opened my eyes, I came to the light. Suddenly I realized I had been in a dark place the past few weeks concerning this person. I had been resenting them. In a flash, I realized that this was the same episode I had with my hubby a while before that. In short, it was also the same as the first person too.
As a result of resentments, you will find that the individual’s annoying habits start to really stress you. You simply are not able to tolerate the individual’s good side, not even talk about their annoying habits.
And the worse part is that when you are resenting someone there seems to be a strong demon around you sent to keep you in the dark concerning that fellow, more like a new personal assistant. You may even try to convince yourself that I love this person and I won’t be annoyed with them again but the harder you try the more annoyance you feel.
Where do resentments come from?
Galatians 5:16 says… “So I say, let the Holy Spirit guide your lives. Then you won’t be doing what your sinful nature craves.
Usually, resentments start from: you want something and don’t get it, the works of the flesh becomes evident. You want attention, love, respect, approval, praise, support. Some other times its when you know you deserve something and don’t get it, you paid for a service or product and you don’t get it. someone is rude to you.
So then your flesh start its tantrum, the work of the flesh begin to come out especially anger.
“Anger, when focused on, can easily mature into resentments and resentments when it’s fully grown is hatred, with bitterness as it’s fuel.”
You see my dear, we get frustrated in life because we have this idea that people of things can make us happy.
“The day God opens your eyes to know that nothing outside of you can bring you fulfillments that the day you have found freedom and you must have a party.”
No-one and nothing outside of you can give you fulfillment in life, God; the love and joy he gives; is the only one that can give you the fulfillment you need in life. He is the one who can fill your void and He will be the right peg in the right hole of your life.
You must deal with every resentment you have, you must decide to get rid of bitterness in you.
So I say, let the Holy Spirit guide your lives. Then you won’t be doing what your sinful nature craves. Galatians 5:16,NLT
I see resentments everywhere even in the church. I was a pastor when I was going through these experiences and you can imagine how many of us Christians resent someone close or someone in our families growing up, someone we work with… the list goes on.
Steps To Dealing With Resentments in Relationships.
- First, you must realize that your mind needs to be renewed. It’s true that people can be hurtful but in order to be free you are the one who must stop negative thoughts. Work hard with God using the word to renew your mind. When you catch yourself focusing on your anger and annoying issues, run to the Holy Spirit for help.
- Second, make up your mind to intentionally love people around you. That way if they are actually hurting you-you must find a way to get help. Discuss with the fellow or with another person that can help you in this place. You don’t want to keep things in your heart. Sharing it makes it lighter and breaks you out of the jail that the devil wants to keep you locked in.
- Thirdly, make up your mind to become whom God made you and get rid of every attempt to be fake. Don’t hide your feelings, find respectful ways to share what you feel.
- Fourthly, allow people around you to be themselves. Always check your motives. Let go of trying to change the people in your life. Trust that the God and pray for them instead. Run far from trying to make people behave the way you think they must behave. That in itself is a chain around you because I can assure you that people won’t change because you make them, you are the one that will be frustrated.
- Lastly chose to live in love. When you are living your life from a place of love from God daily, enjoy his love and let the overflow run to people around you no matter what. Chose to love people as they are not as you want them to be.
Why don’t you choose to be led by the Spirit and so escape the erratic compulsions of a selfish life?” Galatians 5:18 msg (paraphrased)
I will love to hear from you;
What about this topic today affected you the most? Do you have a question concerning Dealing With Resentments in Relationships or do you have a tip to help someone else understand this better? Then leave me a comment below:
Ps: Coming up on Like Jesus podcast, we will be talking about habits that can take you to the next level in different areas of life. I will be interviewing some amazing people. I want you to also send me some habits that have helped you advance in life.
Here is the format I want the audio to be… Hey Olu, For the past (period) I have been doing (habit) and It has helped me to (actions if any) and I have seen (result) I will be adding some of the habits you share with me to the podcast audio depending on how clear the recordings are. So please keep them coming.
It is so true that when people want something and they don’t get it, that’s one of the primary ways resentment kicks in.
From my experience, I caught this act while trying to mediate peace between two people.
I discovered that one could not tell the other what they really want and assumed that the other already knows. (ASSUMTIONS).
Secondly the other was been totally free and ignorant of the other persons desire. (IGNORANT).
In view of these two actions there is bound to be misunderstanding. (MISCOMMUNICATION).
Mis communication and misunderstanding are one family and walk together.
On the other hand, when there is no assumption, no ignorance on the other party, hence here is no miscommunication. Then the statements and communication are true and valid. However, if there is still some form of resentment, anger, or hate. Then the other person is likely guilt of pride which is another way of been self-absorbed, desiring self-glorification and perfection. Which is not a bad thing but can be achieved without resenting others. Lastly before I move on, it is possible that someone would out rightly be negative towards you with the aim of vexing you, trying to pull you down and slander you. The solution I proffer to that is in the list below; Ok having said that let me go back to what I was sharing about my discovery of how to avoid resentment, anger and hate.
1. Give the other person a benefit of doubt. (This would help clear your assumption)
2. Ask the other person why that comment, or statement was made. (this would help determine if the other person was ignorant)
3. Get a chance if you can to let the other person know how you feel. (this could help you diffuse and bubble of resentment blowing up in you.)
4. However, if the allegations are actually true and valid, no matter how and where it was said take a moment to evaluate if this is really true. If this is sincerely true. The onions lie on you to want to be a better person and take those words to your advantage. I know it’s not an easy task or easy process but trust me this is something I do personally and I am better for it. I know if you go through the process thoughtfully and sincerely. You will become a better person.
5. However, having said all this, if the allegations were false and intentionally fired to bring you down. My proffered solution and that which I use is to go through the process above.
(1) give benefit of doubt
(2) confirm their evil intention
(3) forgive.
The hard part is to forgive. But this is what helps me to forgive. I change my perspective to the scenario of a mother and child or parent and baby. (some people are not parents but definitely can relate to this perspective) I put myself as the mother or parent and the other as the child or baby. This helps me to forgive and even forget easily. And these words always echo in my heart as I go through the forgiving process. “`Father forgive them for they do not know what they are doing. “`. These were the words of our Lord Jesus Christ when humanity killed him by nailing him to the cross to die for the sins of all mankind. It is also pertinent to know that not only Jesus had this kind of mindset but a man like you and me Steven also had this perspective and when he was been stoned to death he prayed for them and said Father do not lay this sin against them.
Whenever I deal with this type of issues and situations I keep at the back of my head that I am not yet offended to that point of death.
God still has me alive and i will live my purpose out and not allow hurt, resentment and anger weigh me down, steal my joy.
In conclusion if we can all bring our-self to a perspective of mother and child or parent and baby. I believe we can actually forgive and forget. I know the forget part is a tough bone, but it works for me. And I know many parents do not remember all the evil done by their kids. This is a perspective and I know not everybody can key into this, however I believe it would be worth the try.
Thank you and God Bless.
This is good.
Thank you, Olu, for sharing. I like the look of your site!
Thanks Chuck, I really appreciate you coming around.